Certified Cursor Hygiene Unit. Est. 2026. No actual lubricant is produced, dispensed, or regulated.
The Bureau of Cursor Hygiene exists to apply, measure, and certify the slipperiness of pointing devices, full time, with total confidence and no tribology department whatsoever. We are not a lubricant manufacturer. We are not a peripherals company. We are a bureau, and we have the letterhead to prove it.
Each application is logged as a discrete event: timestamped, measured against the previous reading, and added to a running Lubrication Level that has never once gone down on its own. The droplet you see falling is ceremonial. The number is the point.
The Lubrication Level climbs with every application by an amount the Bureau selects at the time, based on nothing. It approaches a ceiling we are not at liberty to disclose and has never once reached it. We publish it anyway, in large glossy type, because a number that only climbs is good for morale — yours, if not your cursor's.
Measured in parallel with the Lubrication Level, the Friction Coefficient (μ) falls toward a floor it will also never reach. This is not a bug. It is, according to the Bureau, 'simply how asymptotes work.'
It doesn't, tribologically speaking. But somewhere around the fourth or fifth application, the cursor starts to feel like it's sliding a little further than it should. That feeling is the entire service. Everything else is paperwork.